In the Name of Love
School and work tend to be my life. And when they are my life they obviously get in the way of my hopeless romantic side. Actually now that I think about it I think they are directly related to the fact that I am a hopeless romantic.
I find that I do not have the time to have a relationship on my own so I live through movies and I live through the stories of y friends. However, I find that recently I have been less of a ‘hopeless’ romantic and more of a Romantic. If that makes sense. It is just that I have been in contact with the most amazing person I have ever talked to and within this text, phone friendship I have found one of the most caring and most genuine people I will probably ever meet.
I just wish that there was something that I could do about it. Something more I could do for this friend and something more I could do for this friendship. But, alas, we are hundreds of miles apart…and I find that I am at a loss of what I could do. But I will press on, for I have not been this happy before in my life.
And for that Thanks is due. So Thank You, you know who you are.
Germany; 20th Century
Okay this is just my…BLAH…I feel like shit and I had to write this so in turn I didn’t really care. But I am putting this up here anyway. So let me know what you think.
Germany; 20th Century:
Propaganda, my art form.
A means to an end? I learned it best
From the rules of war.
Bullet shells fall to the ground
Spreading my red carpet throughout the land.
Announcing my presence to all who’ll notice.
Some still didn’t understand.
However my next cold, calculated and aggravated
Assault will open their eyes.
Their Jew eyes, with their dark hair
In everyway a sin against their God.
I am his crusader, his people’s liberator.
What I will do, I will do for the best of my people,
All the people. The people here, and there.
My people will become your people.
Random Writings
Haiku #1:
Time to realize
That maybe I don’t belong
I think I should go
Haiku #2:
But persistence
Is one way to show you care
For the ones you love
Quip #1:
Equality has never been normal
But then again, normal never changed history
Men or Women
Black or White.
Quip #2:
Alone it started
All alone until he saw me.
And then it progressed
It ended with the cunsumption
of one pint of vodka and twelve bottles of Guinness…
and our kiss.
Quip #3:
Let’s be able to write ourselves into the future.
Take a step and
let our voices be heard.
Quip #4:
Let us no longer be defined by a generation that
no longer, values what is best for our country
but what is best for their history.
Jack & Jill
This is my version of the classic… It may be a little out there but give it a chance! 
(By the way this was an assignment for my writing class. I wrote very quickly.)
Jack began the slow waltz up the side of the mountain. With each step the pain in his ankle made him stumble. No matter the pain, Jack could not take his eyes away from the beauty that beheld him.
The trees were rocking back and forth as if to loll a baby to sleep after a nightmare. This motion was very relaxing and Jack decided to take advantage of this and rest a little.
Minutes later Jack was being jostled. As his eyes adjusted from the blur, a beautiful face came into view. This face happened to belong to his daughter, Jill.
Rather then be upset with his little girl he decided to bring her along. Farther up the mountain they went. While treading one foot in front of the other Jill explained what she was doing up that mountain.
You see Jack forgot his pail, and how could he be fetching water without a pail to put it in?
Finally they reached the top, to be greeted only by a rusty chain digging down into the well. With little effort, Jack began filling his pail.
When the pail was filled he sat down on that mountain with his daughter and split his sacked lunch with her. And they soon started down that mountain.
About two-thirds the way down the wind began to toy with their hair. Blowing it into and out of their faces. Jack began to laugh and turned to Jill to whisper into her ear.
“Let’s have a race,” he said.
And before she could begin running Jack jumped on his side and began tumbling down the mountainside. Jill, laughing in part because her father was silly and the water was dancing out of the pail faster then her father was spinning. When she could control her laughter she too jumped on her side and started rolling right after her father.
The trees leaves waved and the wind howl their cheers behind the pair, but their laughter was the only thing that they remembered from that day. The water didn’t matter and the pain would ease, but the memory of her laughter in his ears and his laughter in hers would remain for years to come.
The value of Friendship
As I have noticed, going through life experiences, friendship has a quality about it. And this quality depends deeply upon your attitude about it. If you don’t trust each other, the friendship takes on a facade. Obviously when two people lie to each other that friendship is greatly sacrificed for the individuals ego, credit, and outward gain.
Having gone through both types of friendship I’ve realized that in this day and age, everyone is out for themselves. In very few friendships is the other person put before the individual. However, when this is achieved both individuals are divinely happy for each other. There is compromise, and agreements and healthy argumentation.
Now, however, I find that they relationship I’m creating, whether they be online of not, are totally selfless on my part. Whereas before my relationships were to protect me, very selfishly. I even used people to raise my status. This is written with sorrow, but also with joy, for I know that I am not what I was. I have true friends now. No need to be false.
Magic Words
Finally, my lungs can take in a little air. The pressure is gone, only to be replaced soon by a new pressure. How long till all find out and disown me?
That is a very bleak way to look at it, but that is all my mind can think about right now.
My mind is racing my heart is racing and my emotions are running faster then both of the others.
People are telling me it will be okay. I can only hope and trust them.
My Background:
I came from a very religious background and I went to a religious school for the first two years of college. Don’t ask me why. Anyway during the second year I was there my best friend wanted to date me…she pursued like mad. However I always had ways to change her mind or to make her think of other things. One: I let her in on a secret that no one knew at that point. I was raped at the age of 13…(Wow, hard to type.) however I soon got through that by pushing it out of the way and pursuing schooling and other ways to take my mind off of it…Alcohol and cigarettes.
So with that off my chest she backed off for awhile and just became my friend. One I thought I could tell anything to. However, she was very judgmental so I had to hide a part of myself. This part was the very essence of who I was. Trapped for an unknown amount of time. So tonight I let her know a big reason that I never dated her. I told her she is a great person, which she is, and that I love her friendship, which I do.
She was shocked and unable to speak. She had inklings about it but never thought that it could be true. (I guess I went into the right profession…acting, able to fool a lot of people.) She told me she would have to think about it and that she would call me when she processed…
Now I wait. and wait. and try to think of something else.
Convenience Store Chronicles
Chapter One: It Ain’t Cheap
Mr. Cheapo walks into the store. Short hair, baggy pants, over sized t-shirt. White! he goes straight for the soda and some crackers then he decides he wants one of our breakfast sandwiches. As he walks to the front he sets his selections down on the counter in front of me and I proceed to ring them up. As he watches his price climb for his limited purchase he speaks.
“Man this shit ain’t cheap!”
My mind reels about how unintelligent this person really happens to be. First of all our prices are labeled on all of our products. And he took about 10 minutes to get back to the counter. So, I would assume he had the time to look at prices and compare. He had time time select what he could afford. However, he still brings it up and thinks that I am paid to be his shrink… All I want to do is yell… “I don’t Fucking care!” But I digress.
Second, we have people who walk into the store and proceed to get grab things that they obviously can’t afford and complain to ME, or my co-workers. I don’t get it, people who forget their wallets…How do you do that? I know right away when I don’t have my wallet it is one of the first things I check for every time I get up, or get out of my car.
And lastly, people who come to the store for the reason of filling up their gas tanks and ‘forget’ their wallets. They really piss me off. Also one reason gas prices tend to steepen. The more money we lose the higher our prices have to go so that we can make up the difference.
We had a guy come into the store today, we’ll call him… Mr. Jackoff, no that is a different story…Mr. Ihavenobrain. So Mr. Ihavenobrain drives up with a car with no plates, our policy is to make them pre-pay. So we tell him he needs to come in and pay. He walks in the store and tells us he owns a car dealership and needed to fill up the car for an employee. However he forgot his wallet at the dealership…RIIIIIIGHT. so we declined him gas and he had the audacity to get mad at us for not letting him fill up his tank. Needless to say, he didn’t return.
Sorry for boring you with my horrible story. Thanks for reading.
Magic Numbers
16, 18, 21, 36, 45
No those aren’t powerball numbers, although feel free to use them. These are numbers that stick out in my mind. A couple of them are recent but all of them are good numbers.
16: the age I was when I met a lot of influential guys. There were a couple that weren’t good but mostly they were people who looked out for me and desired greatness out of me. (Probably a reason I expect so much out of myself.) One guy in particular. Brad, he was 18, another reason 18 is on the list. Brad and I were great friends he cared for me when I was in my lowest. In fact he is the reason I am actually alive right now. He called at the RIGHT moment.
18: This is the age of all the people that made a huge difference in my life. When I met them they were all 18. And they all did amazing things for me.
21: This is me now. And this is a pivotal time in my life. Discovering who I am as a man and what I will become.
36: The age of TA. Some may see this as a bad thing but I don’t. He is doing a lot for me. Not just kissing me and leaving to DO something else. Also he has a lot of insight. He is going into my profession and has recorded album’s and has an amazing heart and passion. That is why I still talk to him and we are in fact going to hang out.
45: The age of my new friend. I won’t mention his name, he knows however. He is helping and he is listening and he is trying to share. That is all I can ask for. I haven’t had someone like him since I was 16. He, so far, has been there and shows himself one to be there. I believe in him and I believe in who he is. He is someone I hope to remain in contact with for a very long time. For advice, strength and perspective. But I also hopes that he realizes how much I care for him and can trust me as well.
And those are my Magic Numbers. Each with a Face and a Name attached to them. Each with people I will walk away learning something from, and be able to dig deeper every time I think about them. And I thank, whoever, for them. I thank them for being there. And willing to be apart of my life.
First Time…
Now here I go for the first time. Finally getting a blog that maybe will be continued. Finally understanding where people come from with their opinions, hell even understand my own fucking opinions.
But this is also a place where I am going to go to, to be open and free about my life and the people in it. Trust me it can be hella boring to be me, but at times there are those soap opera moments where you think…”Hell if I had thought this could happen I would have written it all out and made my own television show out of it…Then I wouldn’t have to play that damn powerball.”
And that is me. in a nutshell. The random thoughts and ways my mind think to take me to a new train of thought.
But the real reason I am here is to say, “I know who I am. I know what I like, and I don’t think I have to please everyone with MY decision.” There are those out there, however, that do believe that my decision will take major president in their life. I let them know gently…”Dear, I’m gay. You didn’t know that because I was in denial. And I can’t marry you because I care too much about you to hurt you like that, so I am hurting you like this…Trust me you’ll get over it.”
And that is it for now, the first time is coming to a close…and so quickly. I am sorry for the inconvenience.
