Putting it Out There
This may be a long post so I apologize for those who will actually read it.
Dreaming, a way to let your subconscious take over and live the way you want to live. Now if I could live the way I wanted to I would. But sadly life doesn’t always work out like that. In fact many times your dreams are only a way to look at the positive, because things in life don’t like being positive. Everyday we have news about a new shooting, murder, rape, or theft. Life has many ways of being negative but it runs out of ideas when it comes to being positive.
However, the past looks dim, but hopefully our future can brighten.
This does deal with my past. Which right now seems pitch black. But maybe I’m just focusing on the negative and it isn’t the world. maybe it is me. I am so obsessed with truth and honesty in other people that I forget to do the same. And maybe this is where my bleak outlook comes from.
So here I go, to put it out there
I am afraid of people
afraid of trusting people.
Truth haunts me, not
other’s truth…
my own truth. My own
life leaves finger prints and
oil marks. Smearing my
reputation with everyone else.
I am afraid!
I can’t find the strength
I don’t even know where
to start. My demons, or
skeletons in my closet
waltz on my fear.
Revel in my weakness,
they laugh as I cry.
But is there anything else I
can do to stop them? I’ve
tried everything. I’ve tried
talking, venting, and being
one hundred percent
truthful. But humanity
has let me down.
Do I hold to high of a
standard for those around me?
Maybe, but as I watch
the sunset on another dark
day. I realize that all I have left is
myself. All I have left my ability to be
true with myself.
History may not repeat itself
ever. But mine has. Disappointment
after disappointment. Lie
after lie. My trust being broken
by the people I held the most dear.
So now I apologize to those
that have been left out of my life.
To those that I have short handed
by not being one hundred percent
truthful. And now to turn my life
and learn from my mistakes.
To tell all, or try.
Trusted:
Yet another of my musings.
We had something,
special.
Something I, now, only dream about,
and I ruined it.
I took your trust and shattered it.
Into a million little pieces.
And they say,
“if you can’t trust then you can’t be trusted.”
And as I watched those pieces fall,
I inhaled regret.
I cried truth to you on the phone.
I even tried to fix what I had done, but
you wouldn’t have it.
You told me you wanted nothing to do with me.
You wouldn’t let me speak.
So trust me when I say,
“you were not the same after that.”
From the Night Before
Just a disclaimer, wrote this for my creative writing class. Hope you like it.
FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE:
Your scent lingers on
the pillow beside my head.
Memories of your skin
on my skin, your mouth
on my mouth, and your heat
with my heat.
My stomach churns…
Your name is written
on my mind, and my mind
is still tangled in the sheets, of my bed.
Our clothes decorate my room
and your naked body is
in my shower.
My mind tries to block you out…
The night before is a blur
A nightmare at best.
The alarm clock is blaring.
The drops of waters smacking
the floor, and your labored breathing
echo in my ears.
My senses revolt….
Paradoxi?
So I am caught in a paradox. And I am thinking about writing about it. Other then here of course. But this paradox involves three people. And I am trying to figure it all out.
Next I have a second paradox I am so fucking happy, but at the same time I couldn’t feel more alone, and at the same time as that I am sad. Now to explain. My happiness has EVERYTHING to do with DB.
DB and I have been talking and getting to know one another, which is hard being thousands of miles away. But I am slowly falling for DB and I am okay with that.
Next, I couldn’t feel more alone because DB is so far away. The fact that DB is so sweet, caring, giving, and intelligent make me want to be with DB more and more. But alas DB is not near. I have to deal with that slowly.
And lastly my sadness has to do with a text message I got yesterday letting me know that a friend of mine from my old college was killed. But to no avail DB was right there to ‘hold me hand’ through it. And I was able to smile through tech for the show and let everyone think that everything was okay. (maybe not the best thing but it works for me.) (it is also something I need to work on.)
So without giving everything away I continue to be inside at least on paradox if not two or three.
Caught
I had to falsify a report to one of my professors. I had many things to do and I was unprepared for the test. So to have a chance to make the test up I told her something had happened. Now she is wanting documentation of the event of which I had to falsify, for my being able to make up the test.
I’ve been caught, and if I don’t take this test I’ve failed this class. Which I cannot afford. So I am up for advice. However, I might be e-mailing her back letting her know that I fucking paid for this class and SHIT happens. So if she gets paid for teaching, i help pay her. I should be able to take the test when I am able to…right? Anyway, I feel the school system becoming corrupt. I shouldn’t be persuaded to attend class by getting attendance points. I shouldn’t have to go if I don’t want to as long as I am taking the tests and passing. (I’m not saying I wouldn’t go but it is the principle of things.)
In the Name of Love
School and work tend to be my life. And when they are my life they obviously get in the way of my hopeless romantic side. Actually now that I think about it I think they are directly related to the fact that I am a hopeless romantic.
I find that I do not have the time to have a relationship on my own so I live through movies and I live through the stories of y friends. However, I find that recently I have been less of a ‘hopeless’ romantic and more of a Romantic. If that makes sense. It is just that I have been in contact with the most amazing person I have ever talked to and within this text, phone friendship I have found one of the most caring and most genuine people I will probably ever meet.
I just wish that there was something that I could do about it. Something more I could do for this friend and something more I could do for this friendship. But, alas, we are hundreds of miles apart…and I find that I am at a loss of what I could do. But I will press on, for I have not been this happy before in my life.
And for that Thanks is due. So Thank You, you know who you are.
Germany; 20th Century
Okay this is just my…BLAH…I feel like shit and I had to write this so in turn I didn’t really care. But I am putting this up here anyway. So let me know what you think.
Germany; 20th Century:
Propaganda, my art form.
A means to an end? I learned it best
From the rules of war.
Bullet shells fall to the ground
Spreading my red carpet throughout the land.
Announcing my presence to all who’ll notice.
Some still didn’t understand.
However my next cold, calculated and aggravated
Assault will open their eyes.
Their Jew eyes, with their dark hair
In everyway a sin against their God.
I am his crusader, his people’s liberator.
What I will do, I will do for the best of my people,
All the people. The people here, and there.
My people will become your people.
