Magic Words
Finally, my lungs can take in a little air. The pressure is gone, only to be replaced soon by a new pressure. How long till all find out and disown me?
That is a very bleak way to look at it, but that is all my mind can think about right now.
My mind is racing my heart is racing and my emotions are running faster then both of the others.
People are telling me it will be okay. I can only hope and trust them.
My Background:
I came from a very religious background and I went to a religious school for the first two years of college. Don’t ask me why. Anyway during the second year I was there my best friend wanted to date me…she pursued like mad. However I always had ways to change her mind or to make her think of other things. One: I let her in on a secret that no one knew at that point. I was raped at the age of 13…(Wow, hard to type.) however I soon got through that by pushing it out of the way and pursuing schooling and other ways to take my mind off of it…Alcohol and cigarettes.
So with that off my chest she backed off for awhile and just became my friend. One I thought I could tell anything to. However, she was very judgmental so I had to hide a part of myself. This part was the very essence of who I was. Trapped for an unknown amount of time. So tonight I let her know a big reason that I never dated her. I told her she is a great person, which she is, and that I love her friendship, which I do.
She was shocked and unable to speak. She had inklings about it but never thought that it could be true. (I guess I went into the right profession…acting, able to fool a lot of people.) She told me she would have to think about it and that she would call me when she processed…
Now I wait. and wait. and try to think of something else.
eiain said,
March 25, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Buddy, if she rejects you then it will be her loss, but don’t fret, you know who your real friends are.
Chris said,
March 26, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Have no fear, all of this will get easier and easier.
romach said,
March 27, 2008 at 10:12 am
I went through a lot similar to you buddy. It was hard and at times i never thought it would get easier but it did through time. You will get to know who are decent honest unjudgemental people as you go through life and they are the people you will want to surround yourself with. I thought that was a little odd that she said she needed time to think about it. Ok, maybe she wasn’t expecting you to tell her what you did, but hey shes meant to be your friend. If I was in her position I would have grabbed you and gave you a big hug as I would have instantly known that it was very hard for you to say it and also very brave as your carrying a lot of worry and concern at the moment. We may only be communicating over the internet at the moment but I like the other bloggers you are getting to know also will be here for you when you need us. keep smiling! Hugs!