Stop the Silence
Here is a note I wrote/compiled on facebook. It is short but I think important. I will expand a little more on here. The part in parenthesis is being added here.
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(Samuel Beckett, an Irish playwright, once wrote that habit is the great deadener. I can agree. The thing is our habit is silence. So for me silence is OUR great deadener.) I was searching for things dealing with speaking out and realized that silence is the greatest deadener. It is the thing that will kill our society, it will kill our goals, our freedom. (”We” as gay individuals need to start really speaking out and standing for our goals and freedoms. “We” need to show everyone how serious we are and we need to stop backing down and taking the shit that they are handing us. I believe that our greatest challenge will be to break the silence and become an EQUAL part of this society. But if we just lay down, give up, and stop talking and expressing out needs and rights we will lose again. We will have no right to complain because we will not be fighting. We are not victims, we can not play the “pity me” card, first of all, because they don’t pity us, but most importantly because we have no reason to be pitied if we don’t stop the silence.)
When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.
When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I was not a Jew.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.
-Pastor Martin Niemöller
For my baby.
How can I put into words
the way…
you are,
have been,
and what I dream will be forever.
For people change,
and it is that change that has
brought me great pain.
My greatest wish
is that my pain dissolve.
And with that
wish, comes hope of the future.
A future my heart
desperately craves
your presence in.
the start
It has to start somewhere…it always does, and i think that this started in love, and THEN the friendship came. It cam in the best way that it could…spontaneous. Like a combustion only not as painful or dramatic. So really, it wan’t like a combustion at all. More like the best thing that has happened to my yet.
time
Maybe there will be a time when it will all come true. Maybe I’m waiting for nothing, but there is that possible chance that I am waiting for what could be the my future. Maybe I’m lost and just looking for a little help in finding my way through. Or maybe I’m exactly where i need to be.
However, the time has come when my heart is telling me how to think and what to do. This lends itself to being a problem. I’ve past the point of over analyzing everything. I’m ready to just leave it be and see what happens. Am I really lost in directions or am I lost in love?
I think I have to find out the problems and positives of each possibility. Because they both can be dangerous, however, I believe I am going at this with a great heart, my mind is sound, and I have thought out most if not all the possible effects of it.
Life Thus Far
Call me crazy but I thought life was to loosen up a little bit toward the end of the semester. However, life is picking up. I don’t have many finals but I do have acting scenes due and performances left.
I am staying calm, oddly, because of my new best friend. In fact he is more than a best friend. He has become something more then that. Something I never thought would develop has and I find myself loving it and the fact that my night consists of me calling him and talking to him until I fall asleep or he makes me.
Maybe I shouldn’t be as happy as I am…But I don’t care. He has made me, and is making me happier then I ever have been before. And maybe that is putting a lot of credit on him, but he deserves it. I’m not the same.
Life thus far has been rocky. I have to say though that i am falling more in love with life as each day passes. The texts come in, to my cell and the phone calls and the e-mailing.
Putting it Out There
This may be a long post so I apologize for those who will actually read it.
Dreaming, a way to let your subconscious take over and live the way you want to live. Now if I could live the way I wanted to I would. But sadly life doesn’t always work out like that. In fact many times your dreams are only a way to look at the positive, because things in life don’t like being positive. Everyday we have news about a new shooting, murder, rape, or theft. Life has many ways of being negative but it runs out of ideas when it comes to being positive.
However, the past looks dim, but hopefully our future can brighten.
This does deal with my past. Which right now seems pitch black. But maybe I’m just focusing on the negative and it isn’t the world. maybe it is me. I am so obsessed with truth and honesty in other people that I forget to do the same. And maybe this is where my bleak outlook comes from.
So here I go, to put it out there
I am afraid of people
afraid of trusting people.
Truth haunts me, not
other’s truth…
my own truth. My own
life leaves finger prints and
oil marks. Smearing my
reputation with everyone else.
I am afraid!
I can’t find the strength
I don’t even know where
to start. My demons, or
skeletons in my closet
waltz on my fear.
Revel in my weakness,
they laugh as I cry.
But is there anything else I
can do to stop them? I’ve
tried everything. I’ve tried
talking, venting, and being
one hundred percent
truthful. But humanity
has let me down.
Do I hold to high of a
standard for those around me?
Maybe, but as I watch
the sunset on another dark
day. I realize that all I have left is
myself. All I have left my ability to be
true with myself.
History may not repeat itself
ever. But mine has. Disappointment
after disappointment. Lie
after lie. My trust being broken
by the people I held the most dear.
So now I apologize to those
that have been left out of my life.
To those that I have short handed
by not being one hundred percent
truthful. And now to turn my life
and learn from my mistakes.
To tell all, or try.
Trusted:
Yet another of my musings.
We had something,
special.
Something I, now, only dream about,
and I ruined it.
I took your trust and shattered it.
Into a million little pieces.
And they say,
“if you can’t trust then you can’t be trusted.”
And as I watched those pieces fall,
I inhaled regret.
I cried truth to you on the phone.
I even tried to fix what I had done, but
you wouldn’t have it.
You told me you wanted nothing to do with me.
You wouldn’t let me speak.
So trust me when I say,
“you were not the same after that.”
From the Night Before
Just a disclaimer, wrote this for my creative writing class. Hope you like it.
FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE:
Your scent lingers on
the pillow beside my head.
Memories of your skin
on my skin, your mouth
on my mouth, and your heat
with my heat.
My stomach churns…
Your name is written
on my mind, and my mind
is still tangled in the sheets, of my bed.
Our clothes decorate my room
and your naked body is
in my shower.
My mind tries to block you out…
The night before is a blur
A nightmare at best.
The alarm clock is blaring.
The drops of waters smacking
the floor, and your labored breathing
echo in my ears.
My senses revolt….
Paradoxi?
So I am caught in a paradox. And I am thinking about writing about it. Other then here of course. But this paradox involves three people. And I am trying to figure it all out.
Next I have a second paradox I am so fucking happy, but at the same time I couldn’t feel more alone, and at the same time as that I am sad. Now to explain. My happiness has EVERYTHING to do with DB.
DB and I have been talking and getting to know one another, which is hard being thousands of miles away. But I am slowly falling for DB and I am okay with that.
Next, I couldn’t feel more alone because DB is so far away. The fact that DB is so sweet, caring, giving, and intelligent make me want to be with DB more and more. But alas DB is not near. I have to deal with that slowly.
And lastly my sadness has to do with a text message I got yesterday letting me know that a friend of mine from my old college was killed. But to no avail DB was right there to ‘hold me hand’ through it. And I was able to smile through tech for the show and let everyone think that everything was okay. (maybe not the best thing but it works for me.) (it is also something I need to work on.)
So without giving everything away I continue to be inside at least on paradox if not two or three.
Caught
I had to falsify a report to one of my professors. I had many things to do and I was unprepared for the test. So to have a chance to make the test up I told her something had happened. Now she is wanting documentation of the event of which I had to falsify, for my being able to make up the test.
I’ve been caught, and if I don’t take this test I’ve failed this class. Which I cannot afford. So I am up for advice. However, I might be e-mailing her back letting her know that I fucking paid for this class and SHIT happens. So if she gets paid for teaching, i help pay her. I should be able to take the test when I am able to…right? Anyway, I feel the school system becoming corrupt. I shouldn’t be persuaded to attend class by getting attendance points. I shouldn’t have to go if I don’t want to as long as I am taking the tests and passing. (I’m not saying I wouldn’t go but it is the principle of things.)
